I just want to move through my day not thinking about everything going to shit and worrying out things months and years from today that I can't change or have control over. I feel like if I stopped thinking I'd just fail at life in general and not have control over anything...which leads to the OCD part. If something goes wrong in my day, I can't move on the rest of the day with a good mind. Literally everything has to work out perfectly and I have to make sure all my worries are out of the way before I plan a day out. That's why I get things done a month ahead and for every detail I worry over, I could literally conduct an hour long google search until I get a answer for my questions. I just want to be in control all the time, and whatever I can't control makes me upset and anxious where I can't function if I'm doing something in public. If I find something worrisome in public, I get this rush of dread and want to be home to /worry some more/. This is unfortunate because for 2012-2013 I was doing fine after reading about mindfulness and putting it to practice. I think this whole year is just a blur of changes, trust issues and trying out new things. It has impacted me positively in terms of learning lessons but has NOT helped with this anxiety at all. I'm tired of planning out every meticulous detail and thinking over all the possibilities when somethings things are so simple as it is. I feel like I'm just glorifying busy-ness at this point and literally can't take a "time off" without freaking out. I'm thinking I should just keep it simple this summer and try to stop continuously convincing myself that lack of thinking=everything will go wrong.
Wore all black today!! Im so into black shirts Im going to start my summer collection :D
Picked this up a week agp and tried an face chart today. It actually makes a difference as im not wearing any face products aside from the pallette.
I recently came across this comic that I find very relevant to my life:
Until this summer, I've never been the community orientated or proactive time in developing long
term "dreams" or "goals". When I heard these things, I never wanted to think about them too much because I just didn't want to perceive myself as failing and I didn't know how to reach success once I enter the real world. I feel like throughout school there's always people that are striving ahead and accomplish so much. They are the head starters and have that force in them. Myself, I'm the one always behind wondering how some people have achieved so much while I'm kind of just being...a potato. I mean, I sure have my accomplished moments but they are never consistent because I never get motivated for long periods of time. However, I am beginning to realize the value of thinking ahead and finding opportunities as well as seeking new opportunities.
I think it all started one afternoon last month when I was looking at coop and volunteer positions, I came across the TALK (Teach and learn in korea) program and the deadline was May 11th, which was in 2 days. I looked through the 9 step requirement and it looked so daunting so I left it aside for a while. However, a few hours later after I kept thinking about it I could visualize myself doing this and going through with the process. I knew I might be late in making the deadline and didn't even know if I could get the documents(recommendation letters, criminal check etc.) in due to it dependent on time and response from my references. I started doing my personal essay and submitted the required steps before the deadline followed by an interview request. At this point, I could see it working out and knew I should follow through to the end. It was really awkward for me to email my professors and ask them to give me a reference but I finally got what I needed. Somehow maybe it was fate or sheer luck, I got hold of the rest of required documents within a days time and completed the process within 2 days of the interview. I heard of many horror stories of the amount of time it took for these documents and was so surprised everything just went...so smoothly. During this process I was proud I never gave up and completed it till the end. I got a taste of what its like to go for something I want and the rewarding feeling of achieving it. If all goes well, I will head to Korea this August for a year of teaching and exploring. I have done my part and the rest is up to whatever mystical force is up there that helped me complete this application within such a short amount of time.
After this, I went on a roll and applied to many other volunteer positions out of sheer interest. I found that I actually liked being busy and as a result I was swamped last month. My calendar was crazy but somehow I managed it all. Last week I was working for my university to help with convocation and seeing the graduates get their gowns made me a little anxious and jealous. They all seemed to be heading places and I just wanted that "spot" in the real world once I graduated too. I have a year left of school than on with my career. As the comic strip shows, it is never too late to start walking forward with your life goals. I have a good idea of what I want to accomplish and the career path I choose to take. Somehow I feel like I've made the transition to the person who was focused on partying, vacations and socializing to concentrating on the future. As the law of attraction states, you have to "ask,believe,receive" and I feel that I can already visualize what I want to achieve, so I am being given the opportunity to pursue my vision.
I believe I just have one month left in Canada before embarking on the plane to a new country where everything might happen...and I'm ready for it. When I'm back, I'll hopefully get more insight and enough motivation to continue pushing forward. After all, it's not about the destination but the journey. The opportunities are always there but depends on how badly you want it and how diligently you pursue them. I guess what summarizes this post is that "if you don't ask the answer is always no." If you don't enrich your life or seek new chances you'll always be stuck where you are, in life you must always try and you will be rewarded sooner or later!
" STOP COMPARING WHERE YOU’RE AT WITH WHERE EVERYONE ELSE IS. IT DOESN’T MOVE YOU FARTHER AHEAD, IMPROVE YOUR SITUATION, OR HELP YOU FIND PEACE. IT JUST FEEDS YOUR SHAME, FUELS YOUR FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY, AND ULTIMATELY, IT KEEPS YOU STUCK. THE REALITY IS THAT THERE IS NO ONE CORRECT PATH IN LIFE. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN UNIQUE JOURNEY. A PATH THAT’S RIGHT FOR SOMEONE ELSE WON’T NECESSARILY BE A PATH THAT’S RIGHT FOR YOU. AND THAT’S OKAY. YOUR JOURNEY ISN’T RIGHT OR WRONG, OR GOOD OR BAD. IT’S JUST DIFFERENT. YOUR LIFE ISN’T MEANT TO LOOK LIKE ANYONE ELSE’S BECAUSE YOU AREN’T LIKE ANYONE ELSE. YOU’RE A PERSON ALL YOUR OWN WITH A UNIQUE SET OF GOALS, OBSTACLES, DREAMS, AND NEEDS. SO STOP COMPARING, AND START LIVING. YOU MAY NOT HAVE ENDED UP WHERE YOU INTENDED TO GO. BUT TRUST, FOR ONCE, THAT YOU HAVE ENDED UP WHERE YOU NEEDED TO BE. TRUST THAT YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME. TRUST THAT YOUR LIFE IS ENOUGH. TRUST THAT YOU ARE ENOUGH. "
Sephora has been my beauty haven since I could remember. They say that whatever you don't get enough of growing up, you tend to develop an obsessive hoarding habit once you are capable of getting it. My relationship with makeup has been like that. I had always been a plain girl growing up and no one around me had much interest in makeup either. However, when Sephora opened near my house I was so intrigued stepping inside. There was every color of any eye shadow,lip cream, blush available and there were products for seemingly every square inch of your face. I was so drawn in with the packaging, the potential for every product to change your appearance, the more I stepped inside the more I bought to the point where I'm at the hoarding stage. I haven't used half of the makeup I own but I'm always looking for new products and reading reviews. I guess its like a hobby for me? However, the reasons I'm going to be reducing my visits to sephora and beauty stores is:
1. Price: do I really need a Givenchy eye-brow corrector for $40? Do I really need a $80 mud mask? I will admit some beauty items are worth investing in such as a good Urban Decay palette and a long lasting lipstick-but some of the things I keep seeing popping up in stores really ticks me off. A tiny luminizing wand to brighten your eyes for $50? I recently read some articles for class on the medicalization of culture, and I would say Sephora has successful done this in the respect of making every single unnecessary product you could ever think that fixes every single part of the face. Honestly, its like saying you need all this product because your face isn't good as it is. It really isnt' worth it having an inch of your shine on your face from applying a $40 illuminator when people don't even see and notice half the time.
2. Chemicals: I recently came across the parabens scare. Parabens are in most makeup products to preserve longevity and make sure no mold or bacteria grow in makeup. However, some research indicates the four kinds of parabens found in most makeup products are found in cancerous tumors in breast tissue. Also, the lead in makeup isn't any good on brain cells and health in general. There's also alot of backlash to refute this research, but I don't want to risk it anymore. I'm pretty sure all that product I've been applying on my face isn't doing my skin or health GOOD in the long run, if not increasing aging or other ill effects. I don't wanna become a "cake face" and constantly applying endless products on my face. I'm going to do my research more and at least use up what I have in my collection before buying new ones.
3. Staff: I never liked the staff of any stores. If I came in just to try on some lipstick or do some eyeshadow swatches, or if I just didn't feel like buying anything and did my nails with products from their new line- me/friends automatically get ignored and glared at by the staff. They are honestly so pretentious and look down on customers that don't seem to be VIB ROUGE. It's kind of like the Holt Renfrew of cosmetics, you got to be buying something or look like you have the money to buy it. That really deters me because sometimes I don't look my best and just want to go for a visit, its always awkward and not welcoming at well. Honestly, I would've easily spend over $1000 this year and gotten VIB ROUGE at the rate I was going. But if I'm going to be disapproved for doing my nails to test there I feel disrespected as a customer. It's not even THEIR store or product, its testers. What's the harm in looking around? Why are sales associates always so selfish and stingy even though its not their store?
4. Reward System: Alot of my friends brought this up on the reward system there. You got 1 point for every $1 you spend, so for example 100 points for a small lipgloss means you exchanged $100 worth for that. It's so ridiculous compared to Asian makeup stores especially in Korea where you buy one cleanser and they offer you face masks, almost full size samples and even makeup pouches to store it in. I seen some of the products for Sephora's reward system and its just not worth it. 500 points for a scarf and mini Balenciaga perfume? Considering they give staff gratis probably valued over $500+ every month while customers have to spend $500 to get a tiny perfume bottle? That's really disappointing. I don't wanna feed into this hype.
That pretty much sum my opinion towards makeup and Sephora in general. I now realize makeup should enhance the face, having a good eyeliner and basic products is essential but going beyond that and hoarding shelves of makeup isn't necessary. Also my friends all make fun of me (jokingly) for my shopping habits and I don't wanna be that kind of person anymore. From now, I'm working on improving my skin so maybe I'll go to their skincare section more. I already have everything I need and more!
