Last week I read a very insightful article from The Atlantic called Masters of Love. Scientists followed couples progress and marriage that spanned over decades to determine the cause of a long-lasting relationship or marriage. Couples were categorized into "masters" and "disasters". The concept was that every time one's partner had a need or request for a connection, they would make a "bid". For example, your partner had a long day at work and told you that they were considering quitting their job. "Disaster" couples would not support each other and respond properly, while "Masters" would take the time out of their day to ask questions specific to their problems and provide empathy.
What shocked me after reading this article, was the simplicity of everything. Just responding kindly to something as small as "look at that flower outside, do you like the color?" could have an lasting impact in the grand scheme of a relationship. It made me think of a quote from The 5 Love Languages "Love is nothing something you do for yourself, it's something you do for others." That reminded me of myself, often times I get lost in my own world of problems. School, work, health, drama. Lots and lots of drama that spin round and round. I need to tell the world, listen to me, listen to my problems, offer me a solution, I'm suffering for god's sake! Than I become unkind and intolerant. And the biggest person I take my frustration out on is often my significant other.
But the older I get, the more I realize that however huge my problems and needs may seem, the world ultimately does not evolve around me. And it's in those very moments of frustrations, when you ignore your partner's "bid" that things start going downhill. I am realizing that kindness and generosity may be the solution to all problems. Being kind when things go well, when we are happy and positive is easy as ever. But it is in those bad moments that kindness may matter the most. Because in the end, it doesn't matter how many places, things, or even an extravagant marriage ceremony with a cartier ring. Things sit on a shelf, vacations fade, memories become vague. But we can also choose to be kind in every "bid" our partners make towards us.
And most importantly, just realizing the human element of your partner. To not show contempt and hostility towards them, in every small moment. To be generous when you don't feel like it, when you just feel like being mean. We need to validate them and their experience, offer support when needed, and always be polite. I believe that complacency kills everything. Many people think "I've been married for X amount of years, he's annoying me again, I'm going to scream". To be honest, love to me is when I want to do ______ and I will do ______ instead because my partner wants or needs me to. They are not there to buy you things, offer you unwavering support, and take verbal abuse. I wish people would realize how damaging this type of behaviour and thinking is in the long run.
Your partner is a human being who also suffers, who has the same feelings of anxiety and fears you wake up to everyday. Who experiences sporadic moments of happiness and also self contempt. There's always reasons behind everything someone does. I hope to practice kindness and generosity more in my life.
