OCD and Anxiety on Life in General

3:09 AM


I think I posted about this a few months ago, but over time I believe my overthinking and ability at imagining the worst case scenario is getting worse to this point. I don't want to self diagnose as having GAD (general anxiety disorder) or something but lately I think my level of anxiety at every aspect, comments made to me, misfortunes and barriers in my daily life is going through the roof! I could be doing something one moment enjoying myself, than my mind runs through literally a list of all the unaccomplished or unsure things I have to worry about. For example, I'd be enjoying a song and editing some pictures and than my mind is suddenly thinking "oh my god what are you doing?? remember that time when *insert event* and what happened. What is gonna happen next?" I feel like I can't have a peaceful moment anymore without forcing my mind to dwell upon some insignificant event by making a worst case scenario out of it. That's why I don't like change eg. going to new places, applying to various programs, losing things, or anything I don't have control over and makes me lie in bed with crippling fear at night overthinking that every things going wrong.

I just want to move through my day not thinking about everything going to shit and worrying out things months and years from today that I can't change or have control over. I feel like if I stopped thinking I'd just fail at life in general and not have control over anything...which leads to the OCD part. If something goes wrong in my day, I can't move on the rest of the day with a good mind. Literally everything has to work out perfectly and I have to make sure all my worries are out of the way before I plan a day out. That's why I get things done a month ahead and for every detail I worry over, I could literally conduct an hour long google search until I get a answer for my questions. I just want to be in control all the time, and whatever I can't control makes me upset and anxious where I can't function if I'm doing something in public. If I find something worrisome in public, I get this rush of dread and want to be home to /worry some more/. This is unfortunate because for 2012-2013 I was doing fine after reading about mindfulness and putting it to practice. I think this whole year is just a blur of changes, trust issues and trying out new things. It has impacted me positively in terms of learning lessons but has NOT helped with this anxiety at all. I'm tired of planning out every meticulous detail and thinking over all the possibilities when somethings things are so simple as it is. I feel like I'm just glorifying busy-ness at this point and literally can't take a "time off" without freaking out. I'm thinking I should just keep it simple this summer and try to stop continuously convincing  myself that lack of thinking=everything will go wrong. 


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