Idealizing Love

12:58 AM


" MY PROBLEM IS THAT I FALL IN LOVE WITH WORDS, RATHER THAN ACTIONS. I FALL IN LOVE WITH IDEAS AND THOUGHTS, INSTEAD OF REALITY. AND IT WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME. "


I been thinking a lot lately about my mind patterns and habits when it comes love, and I concluded that I tend to attach myself very easily to strangers. Yes, to strangers that I met just once or twice but somehow my imagination runs free and fils in the blanks of what I don't know about them until I see a perfect image of them. The more I think about someone like this, the more I get myself psyched up at loving the ideal of them. If they had a nice feature, my mind could exaggerate this until its the only thing I can see. I tend to fall blindly in love and ignore all the red flags or warnings people around me give. I always think, there's no way someone I like so much can turn out the opposite of what I believe and this is where I always go wrong. I hardly get to know someone first, and always look for the smallest signs they like me than in an attempt to make them stay in my life, make some sort of confession to them and end up wearing my heart on my sleeve. When I look back, the things I did are really mind baffling but at the moment seemed to make perfect sense. My friends always say they admired me for having the courage to "go all out for guys you fall for" and now thinking back, it is true. 

When I like someone, I can sacrifice my own dignity and apologize for things I didn't do. I don't mind what they drive, I want to pay for our dinners, I want to buy them a lot of presents, I want to be thoughtful, its not about the money but how I can make them happy through my gestures. I never thought about it like this but I feel like I have a lot of love to give and if someone was serious, I could love someone for a long time. However, its unfortunate the people I liked never appreciated me simply because I idealized them so much that I refused to get to know them first. Even if I get screwed over in the end, I still want love people my way but I want to improve on placing less significance and idealizing them so much. I want to have a healthier view on love and value myself in the entire process. I believe there is someone out there and I just have to remind myself to stop settling for bits and pieces here and there for some false sense of security or fall in love with the idea I created of them in my head. I have to keep reminding myself people are not what they appear to be. I know one day someone will appreciate all my efforts, and I will wait this time because I know what I deserve now. 

I don't deserve empty promises, sugarcoated words, two-timing men, men that think about cheating, who try to keep me as insecure as them by trying to put me down, who compare me with other girls, and every other negative quality that caused me anguish. No, I will wait for the right person and if they don't ever come along in my life..I'd rather be alone rather than settle again.

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