Another Cycle of Void
By Cathy H - 11:06 PM
It's that time of the year where the sky gets dark later, with summer being just around the corner. Somewhere this week, this intense wave of depression swept over me out of nowhere. Maybe its because of the change in weather, reminding me of what I should be planning for the summer and my lack of plans. Or it's all the cumulative events that happened in March which I thought I got over but maybe have just been suppressing. That, with some other personal realizations along with final exams coming up. I hate it when I get this way because I don't even see hope coming and all I can do is wallow in a empty void. I think my personality is paradoxical because I like to be in control of everything, yet I'm in control of nothing. I fall for people too hard, worry too much, plan too much, doubt myself too much that in the end it all caves in on me and I just end up feeling non-functional. The last time this feeling hit was probably last summer. I feel like I'm always trying to run away from something by going out, getting attached to people, trying to build some false sense of security to keep myself so busy I can't overthink too much. But when I am alone for many days I truly realize what I was to begin with. I think after the whole drama in the beginning of March, I was stressing so much my mind just couldn't cope so I gave up caring.
For the past few weeks I've done along of socializing, partying, had many great moments because every good moment felt so fresh and new after what happened before. I was realized I could be back to "normal" again because I thought I fell into that void again and couldn't get myself out. Well, I guess it hit me again. I think I'm just sensitive and need time to "recharge" because I'm so exhausted now. At these low cycles I just have to tell myself it gets better, my life is going somewhere and I will meet worthwhile people again. I just need to wait it out.
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