Acceptance

7:40 PM



Just finished first day of school, went pretty well and my German class was pretty fun. Met up with my friend and went to dinner with my boyfriend. I don't know why sometimes I would feel amazingly happy and next moment empty for no reason?? I'm not bipolar right....just at dinner I was sudden extremely exhausted and coming home everything felt heavy. 
And talking about aimless people with my boyfriend made me even more depressed, how he's making fun of people with shitty cars and me talking about people who don't focus on school. I don't know..I realize all people are hypocritical and the same. Laughing at shitty cars and stupid people to make yourself feel superior..everybody ends up being just as inferior.  Sometimes I can feel someone's ego so strongly that I cant help but get repulsed by them, yet this is what I must accept if I still want people in my life. I don't think anybody can succeed and win at life unless they are truly at peace..and I am beginning to realize the importance of that.
Maybe life is going too good...maybe I dont have anything to..strive for this semester? I mean last year this time I had almost nobody and didn't know what to expect but now I know how everything's going to be and I just feel kind..detached. I was just reaching Haruki's "wind up Bird Chronicles" today and this character was talking about her stages of pain, numbness and realization of finding her true self. Sometimes I feel like I'm just still all alone in my own space like that character when she finds her true self and spends all day doing mundane things like walking in the park and reading in the library all by myself. I feel like I'm still alone no matter what kind of reputation I try to build up, always in my own space feeling and thinking things that are unexplainable to nobody else. The things I thought would fulfill me still turns to a "seperateness" that makes me want more and it is never ending. I don't know, maybe the back to school blues. I notice I always think more than others, after each vacation my homesickness and each semester my depressive moods. Honestly my mind is so loud sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. But you can always accept a moment even if not desirable, just this is what I must do and what I am doing. Try to detach emotion from doing I guess.

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