You know how a week back one of my goals was meeting "philosophical people" and talking to them? I feel like my wish came true this weekend. I think its insane how I pulled myself up from a all time low to an all time state of understanding. I think it's at the point you suffer most that the most comes out of it.
. Hence our conversation, talked everything about serial killers to the corrupt world and how most humans are like robots that "think" they achieve success and are programmed at every point in life to conform to....everything, and for what? Like my friend said "the moment people retire they can finally walk with their free time and explore, but are too weak to do so and are already near deathbed and riddled with disease. So you spend your life..just struggling to exist and live like everyone else. Work all those jobs and take your boss's shit and materialistic dreams, a freaking programmed life. When you reach 25 get married and have kids, when you reach 40 be successful in your career to mortgage a house which becomes your life sentence as you spend entire life working to pay it off and finally get to enjoy it at age 70 when your ready to die." We're worse than robots, and the pathetic thing is people don't realize by the time they hit their death beds they actually possessed nothing..
Big CEOs missing time and vacation with family to manage business..for what? Just so it can get taken over by others and continue giving your spoon-fed son enough to last his lifetime without working? To buy him a Lamborghini LP700 so he can drive or around town pretending to be important? What are you giving to society? Not only are you not giving, you are harming your kids by showering them with money and suffering yourself from work stress. This cycle is inescapable. My goal of finishing lawschool and being lawyer? So I can get $100k salary by lying to others to defend my client and spent my life reading stacks of court cases because there's always more chance to make money by getting more cases or setting my law firm? So what if I get that Mercedes and mansion, I'm still a slave to society. I'm still living in fear of loss and the cycle of patterned programming by believing if I stopped working I would lose everything and die. What truly satisfies? Definitely not a 9-5 job in misery and life sentence to keep maintaining an identity just to compare and measure up to how other's "successful" careers are. Everything becomes self perpetuating.
We attach identities- these days hardly anyone has an intellectual mind. Sure they know fucking medicine books and computer science and chemistry formulas to give them the identity of having a shitty piece of bachelor or PHd or "med school certified" to give them that egotistic boost, they are someone with success. But so programmed. Spend the rest of life operating on people's organs and peering into teeth, lying to people with your marketing degree. You have this function and I have that function, everyone only specializes in one thing and we need to use each other to help ourselves. Than once "rich people" think they made it, the identity is attached on material possessions and it is all they talk about. Everyone think they're free but in reality given life sentence consisting of work contracts and materialistic aims. "I have a better car..I have that Oceanside manor...I'm a boss at my department.." Isn't it all a social construct? We're playing by rules and they change at any time. You can lose everything at once without warning.
We think someone's a loser for not conforming and finding relationships and getting married, but that's just role playing. Lets get in a cute relationship, get married and pretend to the world how happy we are with our family honeymoon pictures while we're suffering on the inside from the unhappiness of maintaining that perfect image. Look where that got me, thinking i can make others jealous by having a sport car driven by my boy and eating at the fancy restaurants taking pictures of food for facebook. childish.Fuck man, it's like all the puzzles are fitting and in starting to get it. Everything and everybody is so fragile an pretentious. Identities compare with identities and sink deeper into it. Do what we all do and you're good to go, be like this or you're not competent.
Overall, we came to conclusion that humanity is failing so far (no surprise). The way to life is find a job that pays until it can eventually pay off itself and live a life in simplicity with no regard for time concept. It's all the slowed down and thoughtful moments that matter. Just to sit there and not have to think ahead or in past and killing yourself with thoughts, to take it all in and be in peace, be in the now. To arise from that unconscious mind and suffering. They made me realize the importance in being at one with nature, to not be corrupt and programmed by the ever messed up world.
These people proved to me there exists people similar to me realizing these things, and it's funny the more you talk about these things the more peaceful you feel. Once you realize you are nothing, you become everything because if doesn't matter anymore, suffering disappears. I'm so thankful for further enlightenment this weekend with people who are truly educated and experienced.
. Hence our conversation, talked everything about serial killers to the corrupt world and how most humans are like robots that "think" they achieve success and are programmed at every point in life to conform to....everything, and for what? Like my friend said "the moment people retire they can finally walk with their free time and explore, but are too weak to do so and are already near deathbed and riddled with disease. So you spend your life..just struggling to exist and live like everyone else. Work all those jobs and take your boss's shit and materialistic dreams, a freaking programmed life. When you reach 25 get married and have kids, when you reach 40 be successful in your career to mortgage a house which becomes your life sentence as you spend entire life working to pay it off and finally get to enjoy it at age 70 when your ready to die." We're worse than robots, and the pathetic thing is people don't realize by the time they hit their death beds they actually possessed nothing..
Big CEOs missing time and vacation with family to manage business..for what? Just so it can get taken over by others and continue giving your spoon-fed son enough to last his lifetime without working? To buy him a Lamborghini LP700 so he can drive or around town pretending to be important? What are you giving to society? Not only are you not giving, you are harming your kids by showering them with money and suffering yourself from work stress. This cycle is inescapable. My goal of finishing lawschool and being lawyer? So I can get $100k salary by lying to others to defend my client and spent my life reading stacks of court cases because there's always more chance to make money by getting more cases or setting my law firm? So what if I get that Mercedes and mansion, I'm still a slave to society. I'm still living in fear of loss and the cycle of patterned programming by believing if I stopped working I would lose everything and die. What truly satisfies? Definitely not a 9-5 job in misery and life sentence to keep maintaining an identity just to compare and measure up to how other's "successful" careers are. Everything becomes self perpetuating.
We attach identities- these days hardly anyone has an intellectual mind. Sure they know fucking medicine books and computer science and chemistry formulas to give them the identity of having a shitty piece of bachelor or PHd or "med school certified" to give them that egotistic boost, they are someone with success. But so programmed. Spend the rest of life operating on people's organs and peering into teeth, lying to people with your marketing degree. You have this function and I have that function, everyone only specializes in one thing and we need to use each other to help ourselves. Than once "rich people" think they made it, the identity is attached on material possessions and it is all they talk about. Everyone think they're free but in reality given life sentence consisting of work contracts and materialistic aims. "I have a better car..I have that Oceanside manor...I'm a boss at my department.." Isn't it all a social construct? We're playing by rules and they change at any time. You can lose everything at once without warning.
We think someone's a loser for not conforming and finding relationships and getting married, but that's just role playing. Lets get in a cute relationship, get married and pretend to the world how happy we are with our family honeymoon pictures while we're suffering on the inside from the unhappiness of maintaining that perfect image. Look where that got me, thinking i can make others jealous by having a sport car driven by my boy and eating at the fancy restaurants taking pictures of food for facebook. childish.Fuck man, it's like all the puzzles are fitting and in starting to get it. Everything and everybody is so fragile an pretentious. Identities compare with identities and sink deeper into it. Do what we all do and you're good to go, be like this or you're not competent.
Overall, we came to conclusion that humanity is failing so far (no surprise). The way to life is find a job that pays until it can eventually pay off itself and live a life in simplicity with no regard for time concept. It's all the slowed down and thoughtful moments that matter. Just to sit there and not have to think ahead or in past and killing yourself with thoughts, to take it all in and be in peace, be in the now. To arise from that unconscious mind and suffering. They made me realize the importance in being at one with nature, to not be corrupt and programmed by the ever messed up world.
These people proved to me there exists people similar to me realizing these things, and it's funny the more you talk about these things the more peaceful you feel. Once you realize you are nothing, you become everything because if doesn't matter anymore, suffering disappears. I'm so thankful for further enlightenment this weekend with people who are truly educated and experienced.
Yet another sunny and bright day and receiving Lunar's festival gifts from neighbours.
Did some self portait shoots with a shirt I made, the one with the skull on the back! I wish the weather would be nice for the whole rest of the month...
This must be the month I was the most depressing, hopeless etc. for no apparent reason at all. I know I wrote entries similar to this one but I have at least half come to terms with reality. Why must I deserve continual good things to happen to me, why should I expect everyone to treat me amazingly and to have everything to be spoonfed and given to me and for everyone to cater to me? That was my old expectations, sometimes I was just so angry at everyone because nothing met my standards. And even knowing how important it was to stay in the now, I traded that for staying in the past or fretting over the future. As I know, every cycle has a high and low. This must be near the low and even though I dont like it, I am accepting it. I lack things I want and people I want in my life for the same reason why there are billionaires and starving child labors and terminally ill people all over the world. Everything is relative, there will never be a true feeling of wholeness. But you must accept the level you're born into, because acceptance means being at peace with life. And with this, though there may be nothing to look forward to tommorow at least every day is a new day at my level. Acceptance of my level..I am working on it.
I have not truly say I've lived without traveling the world first, I know I've done lots of traveling but I plan to conquer more places. I just need a getaway, maybe just spontaneously land in a foreign country and adapt there for a month or so. I miss that feeling because it always made me feel at one with the world. What's to do now is to focus on the tasks on hand and seek little pleasures here and there as much as I can.. Opportunities will arise.
I don't know what I'm missing but it feels like I'm missing something and all I do is think,think,think. I've read all those peace books but it doesn't help me at all because I don't know how to slow down my mind.
I feel like I always need something to sustain...something to stay perfect and everlasting. Something that proves it won't leave. And I find myself waking up at wee hours of dawn reminiscing on old memories, wishing to relive while months, turn back time, be loved and given attention to, and always having someone there.
I do have people, but not in the sense of others with a steady connection and support circle, or does everyone feel this way? I find myself thinking "why did I worry at that point..they were still here and it was still good" and maybe in the future I'll find myself thinking back to this point when everything's going good. Im tired of thinking, if I could just be in a coma and blank out .. sometimes things are just so mundane and meaningless I have now energy to even get up.
And knowing this emptiness is everrgrowing I would just like to be a peace ...
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Winter in inevitably coming, and with that I feel this..loss but I didn't lose anything. Still deathly sick but tried to look somewhat presentable to hang out with my friend today, had sushi again for almost 3rd day in a row.. gotta keep pushing on and through.
"life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it"
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Good morning from SFU, went early to do my German placement test and buying textbooks. Than had mediocre bibimpap and mango hurricane booster juice. I am so sick I get headache when I eat, wtf is this?? Anyway, wing forever alone in a corner of library reading Haruki murakami books. Sigh.
Just finished first day of school, went pretty well and my German class was pretty fun. Met up with my friend and went to dinner with my boyfriend. I don't know why sometimes I would feel amazingly happy and next moment empty for no reason?? I'm not bipolar right....just at dinner I was sudden extremely exhausted and coming home everything felt heavy.
And talking about aimless people with my boyfriend made me even more depressed, how he's making fun of people with shitty cars and me talking about people who don't focus on school. I don't know..I realize all people are hypocritical and the same. Laughing at shitty cars and stupid people to make yourself feel superior..everybody ends up being just as inferior. Sometimes I can feel someone's ego so strongly that I cant help but get repulsed by them, yet this is what I must accept if I still want people in my life. I don't think anybody can succeed and win at life unless they are truly at peace..and I am beginning to realize the importance of that.
Maybe life is going too good...maybe I dont have anything to..strive for this semester? I mean last year this time I had almost nobody and didn't know what to expect but now I know how everything's going to be and I just feel kind..detached. I was just reaching Haruki's "wind up Bird Chronicles" today and this character was talking about her stages of pain, numbness and realization of finding her true self. Sometimes I feel like I'm just still all alone in my own space like that character when she finds her true self and spends all day doing mundane things like walking in the park and reading in the library all by myself. I feel like I'm still alone no matter what kind of reputation I try to build up, always in my own space feeling and thinking things that are unexplainable to nobody else. The things I thought would fulfill me still turns to a "seperateness" that makes me want more and it is never ending. I don't know, maybe the back to school blues. I notice I always think more than others, after each vacation my homesickness and each semester my depressive moods. Honestly my mind is so loud sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. But you can always accept a moment even if not desirable, just this is what I must do and what I am doing. Try to detach emotion from doing I guess.
Off to German lecture in a few minutes, have to buy and sell textbooks and get bubbletea than its back home. Pretty chill! Tchüss Leute :) 
Tommorow about to be another start to a new semester. Im prepared. This time last year I didn't have half the things in life I had now and I believe I can have a amazing second year. CHEERS! 
In model CH518 Black :)
