That "Special" Quality

By Cathy H - 12:49 AM

The beginning of the year I was ready to start some kind of relationship or find something sustaining. Though I did get many opportunities, I realized there was nothing in me left to give. Each time I attempted to open a "space" up in myself to let someone in, I found myself recoiling and backing out. I didn't answer to texts or invitations for dinner and hangouts, I simply don't have the energy to give doing those kinds of mediocre things with people who only see my outside.

I realize the people I like, I never met them before or have a hard chance of meeting. I think hope keeps me going. As Murakami said "At my core there is love. He does not exist here in flesh with me, but flesh that doesn't exist never dies. Promises unmade are never broken." I never really like people who are conventionally attractive such as the guys in clubs or ones that know they're attractive and have that air of cockiness around them. I want someone quirky but's just that feeling I can't explain. So far I feel more alive then ever not being tied down to someone. It's either everything or nothing. If I can't find that person- I'd rather settle for nothing than succumb to society and have a Facebook official relationship. I feel like I'm a blank space for events and people to happen to- I feel literally nothing, but at the same time happier than ever. For now, this is all I accept and no one is going to disrupt my bubble.

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