New Years Resolutions for 2015

9:39 PM


With the beginning of 2015 and having 3 weeks remaining in Canada before I head to Korea to teach for a year, I have thought up of a few resolutions to work on for this year. I think the forth coming months could either be amazing or full of struggles, therefore I should clarify the things I need to work on about myself, internally and external goals.

1. Appreciate people for their intrinsic worth: I always have a tendency to "scale" people by their usefulness in my life before I give my time up for them. I's kinda bad saying I "use" people because I'm not. The fact is that since I was young, my parents taught me to apply to cost-benefit analysis to EVERYTHING in life. No matter whom- either it be best friends, boyfriends, teachers etc. they tried to drill into my head that I needed to be "smart" and judge their worth before investing myself in them. Everytime we talk about people, they never ask me about people's INTRINSIC worth. Maybe its just asian parenting, but they need to know where my friends/boyfriends grew up, went to school, what their parents do, what they're doing with their life. If the person isn't up to par with their "usefulness test" they immediately accuse me of finding "unreliable" people and urge me to find someone more worthy. As time goes on, I believe my parents are wrong. Because in life, no person is guaranteed a permanent place in your life. To select people coming to your life on a strict criteria might mean I could miss good chances at learning about different types of people and learning from them. My resolutions I don't want to "use" people just because they are important in society, but as long as they are important to me I should have a right to keep them in my life. Honestly, the most "useful" things about a person often are how they interact with you and what's on the inside.

2. Get more into the present moment: Despite reading Eckhart Tolle's book multiple times, I still find myself struggling to not get caught up in the past and present. Sometimes I feel like life feels like a endless finish line. It makes me anxious and upset because I never feel like I have permission to relax. There's always a next best thing to do after the other, and not being busy makes me feel like a failure. I'v gotten to the point where staying at home alone for more than a day has got me near depression. My mind simply races too much and I'm always scared of what others will say about me if I choose to relax for a while. I'm always looking forward to going out, getting errands done but than I think how good it'd be to stay home alone. Because I haven't been in the present moment, life feels like one endless chore of checklists. I think I'll try to reread Buddha teachings/Tolle books and meditate more this year to get to the present moment. 

3. Stop expecting the worst: I always expect the worst out of EVERYTHING in life. Even though I'm generally outgoing and positive, worrying and negative expectations have been with me since I could remember. Even if I'm successful at something, I keep on thinking all the possible alternatives that could go wrong or what I'll do if it goes wrong. I know this is too dramatic: but sometimes I literally think and think a situation until I feel like I'm going to die. Like every minor health problem may turn to a full blown terminal illness or I might fail my class if I don't get things done weeks beforehand, despite maintaing an A- average last semester. Even when things go well, I automatically start expecting the next worst thing and the cycle starts all over again. I need to tell myself that life is never as serious as the mind makes it to be, and considering my life and luck over the years- it has all gone surprisingly smooth. 

4. Get better at road directions and adapting to living alone: I'm pretty sure I'll get an awful case of Canada nostalgia once I land in Korea which usually makes me depressed. I'm going to try making a lot of friends, taking responsibility for maintaing a weekly schedule to get things/travelling done, learn how to cook alone, all the while getting used to being alone for at least half the day. Also, since I plan to go to Japan and Thailand for my vacation days and visiting the capital cities of Korea in my offtime- I have to work at bettering my directional sense. I have literally the WORST directional sense ever. I've lived in Vancouver for 10+ years and I still don't know the main streets and how to get my way around downtown. I always rely on my friend/past boyfriends whether driving or walking to get me to places. I'm literally so clueless that I get anxious having to go outside my own city. 

5. Get better at videography/photography: Throughout the years, I have taken a real interest in photo angles, video editing, colour toning etc. thanks to my favourite Youtuber/videography Cristina Viseu http://www.mintpl.us. I want to create and make a lot of videos and photos this year, so I want to learn more editing programs, practicing and observing others in general to get better.

6. Control my spending habits: Even though I don't buy "useless" things and spend beyond my means, I still manage to spend a few thousands within a few months. I have this tendency to accumulate as much as one type of thing (eg. makeup) as possible before I can give myself /permission/ to start using it. It makes me feel secure and satisfied so I end up buying a lot of one type of thing. I will need to work on using what I have, especially since I have to bring all my purchases back this year with me in one suitcase next year. 


And that's it. 6 things but  most of them may be a working progress because it's all about internal wellness. I think in 2014 I can say that it was successful in terms of realizing my mistakes, weaknesses and getting over people messing with my mind. I also learned nothing lasts forever but it's ok because life will always bring better things and people in. I learned if I gave the effort I will always get results. And most of all I took on that giant task of getting myself to another country after half a year of applying and gathering my documents. I learned that moving forward is literally the ONLY thing I can do in life, no matter how much self-pity, problems, or doubts there are. The world doesn't care about you and your problems, so might as well fake it until you make it. And the results are so satisfying. 

Here's to an amazing 2015!xx

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