Hitting Rock Bottom and Going Up Again

1:31 AM


With the end of March coming to an end, I can safely say that it has been one of the worst months of my life. I lost the person I loved by utter betrayal and heartbreak, in exactly the flash of a moment. And after that the things I found out was like he wanted to stab me in the heart so many times, he wanted to leave me for dead or something. The saddest part is, I'm still attached to those good memories and the person I knew. I think my mind already knows what all this means but my heart refuses to let one bad thought in and ruin this perfect time I had within the past couple of months. Than, this Monday my manager told me he wanted me to resign because my supervisor wrote me up saying I couldn't focus 2 weeks ago..but he never showed me the written warning. I honestly don't know how my luck is changing like this. It's like a dominoes effect, I think dealing with one thing is bad but another comes my way. The first half of the week I was stressing HARD....so hard all I did was kneel in a corner and zone out because everything made me nervous and suddenly the world seemed so unpredictable and scary. I must've had a good few mental breakdowns starting Monday...literally crying at the restaurant during my parent's anniversary dinner about all this stuff. But somehow when I said it, my parents didn't think it was a big deal and told me to take a break from everything.

I'm pretty sure my bad karma has hit me fair and square, so I accept all that came my way. However, starting Thursday morning I woke up feeling as light as ever-like I was in a bubble and those bad thoughts can't get to me anymore. I always thought I was so weak and I won't survive stuff like this, but somehow when you're in the midst of experiencing the worst emotions you somehow just surrender to it all and become at peace with it. Like Eckhart Tolle said, the "isness" of this moment is all there ever is, and rejecting the present moment leads to even more suffering. I think god wants me to go through this as part of the enlightenment process, and I feel that there is a odd sense of serenity that comes with a overload of problematic life situations. It's like I should be thinking how people have hurt me, wronged me, caused me to hit rock bottom and have all these breakdowns..or I can leave the broken pieces on the ground and move the hell on with life. I know its overrated to say "I don't care anymore" but I literally don't have it in me to care about anything but my own health and wellbeing at this point. Even the people that hurt me can go enjoy their happiness because I'm busy building mine. Wallowing in self pity only gets you so far...which is no where. Even though my life fell apart this month, I feel that at this point I am back to being myself, if not a better version of myself that sees with more clarity. Sometimes gifts come disguised as misfortunes, and most of all- Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is not. Pain is what the world does to you, suffering is what you do to yourself.

I want to share the 4 truths of Budhha because it basically sums up what I learnt from life this month:

1. There is suffering in life.
2. Suffering comes from ignorance which leads to craving, grasping and clinging.
3.We can become free from suffering and achieve happiness.
4.The way to become free from suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path

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