Lately I've been really obsessed with an artist called Crywolf who makes melodic or liquid dub step with very mellow tunes and subtle drops. The very first Crywolf song I heard was "Stay" that that really infused this feeling of nostalgia inside me. Than I discovered "Silence" which I have literally played on repeat for the past week at least 10 times a day. When I listen to these songs, especially at nighttime..it makes me miss a place I've never been. I can't quite pinpoint what this feeling is, but its like losing yourself in something, getting lost in someone or some place and never coming home.
Some perfect place but also mixed with imperfect moments worth reminiscing for, something that aches in your bones and chills you to the core. The drop with the vocals make me think of night drives, holding hands with that special someone and believing in that forever even if it doesn't exist, clinging onto something fleeting for that single moment of bliss. Like I'm at some ocean dock with city lights in the background, in a foreign place like London making a memory with someone and looking out into the seascape together. A feeling that makes time stand still, as if nothing else mattered...this is what Crywolf's music makes me feel every time I hear it, I have to admit its pretty powerful.
With the end of March coming to an end, I can safely say that it has been one of the worst months of my life. I lost the person I loved by utter betrayal and heartbreak, in exactly the flash of a moment. And after that the things I found out was like he wanted to stab me in the heart so many times, he wanted to leave me for dead or something. The saddest part is, I'm still attached to those good memories and the person I knew. I think my mind already knows what all this means but my heart refuses to let one bad thought in and ruin this perfect time I had within the past couple of months. Than, this Monday my manager told me he wanted me to resign because my supervisor wrote me up saying I couldn't focus 2 weeks ago..but he never showed me the written warning. I honestly don't know how my luck is changing like this. It's like a dominoes effect, I think dealing with one thing is bad but another comes my way. The first half of the week I was stressing HARD....so hard all I did was kneel in a corner and zone out because everything made me nervous and suddenly the world seemed so unpredictable and scary. I must've had a good few mental breakdowns starting Monday...literally crying at the restaurant during my parent's anniversary dinner about all this stuff. But somehow when I said it, my parents didn't think it was a big deal and told me to take a break from everything.
I'm pretty sure my bad karma has hit me fair and square, so I accept all that came my way. However, starting Thursday morning I woke up feeling as light as ever-like I was in a bubble and those bad thoughts can't get to me anymore. I always thought I was so weak and I won't survive stuff like this, but somehow when you're in the midst of experiencing the worst emotions you somehow just surrender to it all and become at peace with it. Like Eckhart Tolle said, the "isness" of this moment is all there ever is, and rejecting the present moment leads to even more suffering. I think god wants me to go through this as part of the enlightenment process, and I feel that there is a odd sense of serenity that comes with a overload of problematic life situations. It's like I should be thinking how people have hurt me, wronged me, caused me to hit rock bottom and have all these breakdowns..or I can leave the broken pieces on the ground and move the hell on with life. I know its overrated to say "I don't care anymore" but I literally don't have it in me to care about anything but my own health and wellbeing at this point. Even the people that hurt me can go enjoy their happiness because I'm busy building mine. Wallowing in self pity only gets you so far...which is no where. Even though my life fell apart this month, I feel that at this point I am back to being myself, if not a better version of myself that sees with more clarity. Sometimes gifts come disguised as misfortunes, and most of all- Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is not. Pain is what the world does to you, suffering is what you do to yourself.
I want to share the 4 truths of Budhha because it basically sums up what I learnt from life this month:
1. There is suffering in life.
2. Suffering comes from ignorance which leads to craving, grasping and clinging.
3.We can become free from suffering and achieve happiness.
4.The way to become free from suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path
I feel like I neglected this blog since the beginning of 2014 because a lot of drama and personal stuff came up. I want to show some selfies I made over the past few months, I like going for neutral eyeshadows and bright lipstick these days. It's a great pop of colour especially since spring is here! I feel really refreshed and with the sun, I feel like I am starting to really enjoy my days. xx
I'm really tired of the "mental challenge" in relationships...I used to think the book "Why Men Love Bitches" was my relationship bible, but now all of this really exhausts me. The reason why it exhausts me is that the book proves to be 100% true in every situation I face. When I treat men on equal terms in the beginning and don't place a high emphasis on them in my life, they tend to stay more interested and try to pursue me. However..the minute I drop my guard and say a few desperate words of emotion attempting to gain some of their compassion, all hell breaks loose and shit hits the fan. I'm always the one to overcompensate at the end, to apologize first, to give more love and effort than I initially planned to in the beginning. Thus, I always get hurt more easily because I don't want the other person to feel like I'm being a indecent, unloving and hostile person. The worst part is, all of my consideration backfires and instead turns men to cocky and cold people that think they can use my kindness to walk over me.
How many times have I pondered hundreds of times and over how much I hurt their feelings and upset them? How many times have I blamed myself for minuscule issues and end up putting myself down to make them feel better? I don't think I'll ever learn my lesson just because I give too much of myself away in the end. As much as I want to be that "bitch", I could never stick with it until the end. In the end, I'm always the more attached person. What really breaks my spirit is why two people in a relationship have to play so many games to keep each other interested. Why do I have to make him feel like he "didn't 100% conquer me yet" and why does my kindness give him a ego boost & make him too proud to talk to me? Why can't two people just be with each other properly...I always tell myself the next guy is different, the next guy won't break my heart and take my kindness for granted. However, they are the same in the end. Fall too much into their trap, and they'll leave you down there wondering how you got there in the first place. I feel like every time I get out of a relationship, but spirit is broken along with my trust.
Someone who used to tell you how special you are and said they'll care for you endless one moment, gives you the cold shoulder for endless days the next. However, I feel that I need to go through these things to understand how to detach and let go. The more they point that arrow to my heart when I handed them the bow myself, the more immune I grow and the further steps I take to consciousness. In the end, as long as I gave it my all and remain a decent person- it's all that matters. I just wish people wouldn't step all over me and push me away thinking they "got me hooked" when I show them my feelings. It's just tiring me out and I don't want to hold grudges...these mind games are too much for me. I'm too weak for them and I'm way too naive in my heart to trust my mind when I see red flags. How they can abandon me, ignore me, disrespect me when all I did was show my genuine side? I guess I'll have to smarten up and be that "bitch" if I want keep my dignity in the future.
