General Anxiety Disorder/Severe Trusting Issues? **RANT

11:15 PM




I feel like these days I literally trust nobody. I think even from a young age on I thought if I can't find my parents in a supermarket they'll just forget and leave me there forever hahhaha. But seriously I make crazy scenarios in my head that everyone is going to cancel their plans, they secretly think something or me, they're out to get me etc. For example if I'm planning to sell a textbook to someone next week I have to keep confirming with them multiple times because I feel that everyone has short term memories & doesn't remember any times they set up. Even taking the bus sometimes I feel like it'll never come. I have a thing with "never"... I always think someone's "never" going to call me or talk to me again even though everything's going perfectly well. 

I remember with my ex one time I suggested we take a few days break to focus on our exams and during those days I just got SO anxious...all I thought is he's going to NEVER talk to me & break up without another word. I couldn't even sleep..goodness Christ I was just a hot mess. And this time last year I was just imagining how I can't live without a boyfriend/why he is ignoring me 24/7 and all kinds of horrible things. I would just wake up at 4-5am in horror that things are changing & all good things will end. I don't think anyone understand their "one word text" makes me think the worst. I think that's why I stopped caring much in 2013 because I can't deal with people and their flakiness/my imagination to the point where I feel sick. I just like to spend days where I don't have to do anything and sit in bed than bake..anything else is just high stress like I can't breathe properly if a tiny, insignificant matter doesn't  go my way. 

For example on my Montreal trip, I got a giant cut in the middle of my toes which I saw the world go black and almost fainted minutes after...and the weather kept getting rainy so the wound was getting infected. I was just thinking of gangrene setting in & how it's going to fester into the bone. My friends just thought I was being a drama queen which I probably was..but the last day before my flight I stayed home while they went clubbing. I was cleaning the cut & saw there was some sort of gaping hole there and started panicking even though it was so small. I just always think the worst is going to happen oh god.....

I think I'm just scared of interacting with /new people/ because I don't know to what extent they can flake anytime. Even my friends of years do it. I remember last December I invited 2 of my good friends to my house to see my dog and than head to downtown to hang together. I confirmed with them MULTIPLE TIMES. I sent the address, directions night before on group chat and again asked if they   understand. They said yes. 10 minutes before they were supposed to arrive next day, I texted them both. One was already IN downtown to run errands with friend on call and the other was at the mall about to head back to her dorm saying she doesn't have time. I was just horrified but laughed really hard...seriously I think people's mind has some obstacle or illness.. like what is going in your mind to agree than decide to go off & do your own thing without telling me?? It's just I unbelievable and I wasn't even upset but felt bad for them..it's so hard to CONFIRM and trust in promises people make these days which just adds to all this anxiety.

Everything I wrote probably sounds like a joke but it is so annoying and my mind is always thinking about some problem it is tiring me out!! like staying happy/positive is such a chore ...I think that's why I just have 1 best friend and don't expect anything from anyone now...I just see their mind as unstable and never get shocked at all. Still learning but one day I'm going to be at peace & rely on myself only to get things done...

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3 comments

  1. This was my sane situation, i use to care a vot anfd go crazy .... I use to thinknthat the orher person is will never call me so I use to call 5 times a day.. If some1 said the he'll cal me in 10min, then on 11th min i use to het so irritated and call hom agin..
    The whole situation was driving me crazy , i broke up with my x too..
    And now i think i have trust issues, nobody matters to me anymore... I like to live for myself.., just like u i like to sit in bed , bake spend tim with family..
    It was such a nice post,happy to know you more..
    Keep in touch,
    www.beingbeautifulandpretty.com
    http://instagram.com/beingbeautifulpooja

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    Replies
    1. I know what you mean! If they don't call till the last minute I just panic and think all sorts of horrific things happen..probably why I don't wanna date because I am just so paranoid sighhh =___= we'll just get better by relying on ourselves I guess ...

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  2. Just keep on positive thought & you will pass through this strange moment & feeling :)

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