There's nothing like listening to trance and reading Murakami. Moments like this make me grateful for wondering creations that take me to a whole other level. After Dark is equally as intriguing as his other works. I love the part on how society is like an Octopus that kills people slowly by forcing them into safety nets which turn out to be a life sentence of lockdown..
NOW PLAYING: Armin Van Buuren: We Are
NOW PLAYING: Armin Van Buuren: We Are
Obsessing over someone or something really has detrimental effects. Not only does it make you desperate and crazy, it takes away basic logic. I noticed that people I was interested in start talking to me when I get over them and stop trying. I think it's because when you cling, everything is held at such a high significance that every observation has polar extremes.
I will never understand girlfriends that check up on their guys, if you are so confident they wouldn't do that. If you had confidence in the relationship he wouldn't run off for someone else. I just find myself laughing at people in relationship turmoil these days. Call me disconcerting but it's unbelievable how quickly "love" turns to 0 attraction or hate. How can people have affairs after having kids and several years of marriage? Even with that much closure clinging can still go wrong.
These days I do feel weightless. I don't need to wait upon another's text and suggestive "forevers". I feel like part of me is over and the remaining is just a layer of calmness that keeps seeping from me. I just don't feel like I did anymore. Even if I'm behind or missing out, it doesn't feel lack because I accepted lack is my best friend at this point. Lack is a defense against aimless clinging and wishful thinking, not saying life is a let down. It's the opposite! But I will never find myself in certain things again that will just force upon me extra baggage and weigh me down. Lack gives me the dignity and logic I deserve and the patient reminder to get through every desire at clinging than losing.
I will never understand girlfriends that check up on their guys, if you are so confident they wouldn't do that. If you had confidence in the relationship he wouldn't run off for someone else. I just find myself laughing at people in relationship turmoil these days. Call me disconcerting but it's unbelievable how quickly "love" turns to 0 attraction or hate. How can people have affairs after having kids and several years of marriage? Even with that much closure clinging can still go wrong.
These days I do feel weightless. I don't need to wait upon another's text and suggestive "forevers". I feel like part of me is over and the remaining is just a layer of calmness that keeps seeping from me. I just don't feel like I did anymore. Even if I'm behind or missing out, it doesn't feel lack because I accepted lack is my best friend at this point. Lack is a defense against aimless clinging and wishful thinking, not saying life is a let down. It's the opposite! But I will never find myself in certain things again that will just force upon me extra baggage and weigh me down. Lack gives me the dignity and logic I deserve and the patient reminder to get through every desire at clinging than losing.
Starting last night me and my bff started brainstorming an idea that we're going to turn some if our favorite trance songs into a piano chord/music video. After we had a sangria time with friends and they left, we stayed until 4am downloading FL studio and picking songs. We listened to Armin Van Buuren for 4 hours..crazy good. We recorded about 50% today and sounds pretty legit! I'm on a roll with video editing these days..
The main areas to focus on are the sides of the cheeks, hollows of the cheeks and sides of the temple. These are the features that will give you an healthy glow! The key is to use a BIG brush and gradually build up, no orange streaks like oompa-loompa. This is the outcome of my contouring:
BONUS: My new manicure :)
My first makeup tutorial, this is my everyday look with light BB cream coverage and bold eyeliner and lips! Enjoy :) I had so much fun editing the video to the music, this is going to become a big hobby.
STEP BY STEP:
First day of living by myself and in already getting paranoid. I thought it wasn't a big deal but its weird having no one to come back to. It's like this..urge to talk to someone mixed with restlessness. Went shopping with my bff and made chicken dinner at night!
Tomorrow ill be hosting a sangria party so at least ill have company, I guess I'll have to marry someday after all. This isolation is driving me insane and only been a few hours!
I been doing alot of thinking lately, and come to the conclusion that throughout my life I chased many things and people that I thought we bring me eternal happiness. When I was entering middle school, I thought I'd be some kind of party animal at age 16 and take those kind of pictures with red cups that everybody back in high school took. Back than, even a school dance was a big deal and I remembered shying away from that because I never got close to any boys..I reached every milestone I looked forward to only to find nothing was changing. I was still me at 16, never fitting in to my ideal "social life" and wondering if I didn't walk in the right direction or something. I always had close knit friends but always looked toward something more satisfying..I remember when my best friend moved into that "party life" I felt like such a failure I didn't have it in me to just suddenly become well liked and social every weekend. I would look through her newly uploaded facebook pictures and just sulk over how much fun and connections she was making. Back in highschool, those pictures and things were so relevant and seemingly important. Furthermore, I never dated in high school and questioned if I was either too cold or nobody liked me. I looked at myself with distain many times back them at my inability to be involved in extracurricular activities and social circle. Whatever I was, it was never enough to satisfy me.
I carried this unsatisfaction with me throughout the first semester of University where nothing changed. I thought it was hopeless to change anything because I thought university would suddenly socialize me into this fraternity partying girl that went out and enjoyed herself every weekend. Instead, it was continuously the same drill day in and day out. Onto the second term, I had enough of my continuous sulking and self doubts on me never attaining the key things I wanted in my life. Call it desperation..since the beginning of 2012 I made a mental "bucketlist" of everything I didn't get to experience till than. I just needed that EXPERIENCE. So I did, those various nights drives with guys and the countless dates. The texting back and forth and that fresh feeling of being sought after and wanted by someone. I got everything I wanted but paradoxically I became more upset at NEW problem. Everything is like expansion and limitations, whatever you get- it makes you gain in a way but also brings negatives to life. Up until now I already experienced everything I wanted, from clubbing night in and night out and meeting more guys that it became such a norm it made me feel sick. It didn't hold any value or boost my self esteem like I thought it would.
Most importantly, experiencing all these things made me realize what I was NOT. I am not someone who needs to cling to boys to feel my value. I am not someone that enjoys frequently drinking and among other things to make me "lose control" and loosen up. I do not like loud environments and being hit on in a party setting because it makes me feel dirty. Through all this, I still sit here writing this the same person as I've always been. I realized that nothing can sustain my satisfaction...ever. I still think to myself on some days "you should be changing into this and this, like her and those people and do those kind of things" but I realize I'd end up me anyway. I guess the moral is to embrace whatever you are without trying to criticize and fight against it. I still end up feeling the same kind of doubt and unrest no matter what I achieve or how far I go. But I just accept the present and moment as much as possible anyway. The best way to describe it is giving up without letting go. Nothing in this material world is everlasting whether it is people or events, if you are looking on the outside for happiness..its the wrong mindset. You don't need to do anything to be who you are.
Let me sum these thoughts up with one of my favorite Murakami quotes:
“I always feel as if I'm struggling to become someone else. As if I'm trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I suppose it's part of growing up, yet it's also an attempt to re-invent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself - as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What's missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I'm still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I think that lack itself is as close as I'll come to defining myself.”
Cartoon nails make your nails look totally unreal!! Combine that with my pointy nails= unreal illusion :)
