CATHY HUANG

It's strange thinking back to all the events, people and places I been to until this point in my life. To some people- I was inept, worthless, and inadequate. To some people, I was there entire world and they once said they couldn't live without me. Some genuinely loved my presence connected well with me. Some completely didn't understand what I was about and would dismiss me. I think this leads me to the conclusion that I don't really know myself, because there is no solid self. I present different sides of me to everyone, some are good and bad qualities but at the end of the day it doesn't make me a better or shittier person. I think one purpose of life is finding out who I am. I know people say that in all these books and inspirational hipster movies, but I think as I grow older I am finding out who I am more and more. Sometimes I don't like what I see, sometimes I love the progression I see. Sometimes I just want to shrink back, cease to exist. I think its all a part of what it's like to be living. I would like to believe that life is giving me the people and things that I need exactly to experience what I need, and that god is kind to me. I think despite all the things I did, he is still by my side because even though I lost so many important people along the way- he never let me be truly alone. There was always someone by my side, to make me feel significant when everything seems so insignificant. It's just so strange thinking to the multitude of different meanings that I hold for people I meet. Some will be with me a long time, others a short while...it's so weird. Like I'm living several lives of different skits while still being me...sometimes it can be quite overwhelming but also so straightforward and simple at the same time.

After watching Divergent today, I have to say I'm so disappointed in all the "big hits" that are currently on the big screen and rake in millions of dollars from movie go-ers. I have never been much of a movie person because I have a very short attention span, and since most movies take 1/4 of its duration to introduce the setting and characters- I usually don't get around to finishing it. Let's start with Divergent. The book is just as mediocre as the movie is. It draws on commonly used themes like technological mind control, the "special" one in the system, and the heroic girl that stands up for her beliefs. It's just so repetitive and has no sense of creativity or depth whatsoever. Don't even get me started on the factions! The farmers, the hard workers,the truth tellers, the rebels. I mean, how much more basic can a storyline get? May as well make a movie out of a children's fairytale. Also, movies these days are just based off of on another. Like how Divergent is strikingly similar to the Hunger Games. It's not only sci-fi films but also over-hyped films based off of popular novels such as "Fault in Our Stars." I watched that one and almost cried from boredom, the characters were one-dimensional and it was a almost as if you could feel the director shooting it from scene to scene in accordance to the novel. All the characters just repeated exactly what was in the novel and the whole terminally ill and in love young couple theme has seriously been repeated way too much by Nicholas Spark novels "*ahem my sister's keeper*. I don't know why of all the talented actors and actresses out there they had to find the most conventionally "hot" or "handsome" Nickelodeon tweeny type to act in these kind of big on screen films. I feel like 90% of movies these days are pure garbage and don't engage the audience at all. They don't make you think and instead substitute cheap sci-fi and action shots to stimulate the audience's mind. Like the Divergent guys tattoo (I think his name is 4) with all the factions on it and the scene where he says "because I want to be all of them and be a kind/smart/fearless person." Like come on, I had to laugh at the faked emotions of his acting hahaha. Honestly these movies are so lame it seriously makes me borderline angry that its even produced and people actually put legit effort into post-production (?)

I think a good movie should consist of a intriguing storyline, engaging actors and stunning cinematography. It may not even have to be big budget. It just has to appeal the audience in a kind of way that will engage their thinking and maybe even change the way they think about life. That's why I hardly go to the theatres these days, I wish modern day movies weren't so bland and meaningless.

I think I posted about this a few months ago, but over time I believe my overthinking and ability at imagining the worst case scenario is getting worse to this point. I don't want to self diagnose as having GAD (general anxiety disorder) or something but lately I think my level of anxiety at every aspect, comments made to me, misfortunes and barriers in my daily life is going through the roof! I could be doing something one moment enjoying myself, than my mind runs through literally a list of all the unaccomplished or unsure things I have to worry about. For example, I'd be enjoying a song and editing some pictures and than my mind is suddenly thinking "oh my god what are you doing?? remember that time when *insert event* and what happened. What is gonna happen next?" I feel like I can't have a peaceful moment anymore without forcing my mind to dwell upon some insignificant event by making a worst case scenario out of it. That's why I don't like change eg. going to new places, applying to various programs, losing things, or anything I don't have control over and makes me lie in bed with crippling fear at night overthinking that every things going wrong.

I just want to move through my day not thinking about everything going to shit and worrying out things months and years from today that I can't change or have control over. I feel like if I stopped thinking I'd just fail at life in general and not have control over anything...which leads to the OCD part. If something goes wrong in my day, I can't move on the rest of the day with a good mind. Literally everything has to work out perfectly and I have to make sure all my worries are out of the way before I plan a day out. That's why I get things done a month ahead and for every detail I worry over, I could literally conduct an hour long google search until I get a answer for my questions. I just want to be in control all the time, and whatever I can't control makes me upset and anxious where I can't function if I'm doing something in public. If I find something worrisome in public, I get this rush of dread and want to be home to /worry some more/. This is unfortunate because for 2012-2013 I was doing fine after reading about mindfulness and putting it to practice. I think this whole year is just a blur of changes, trust issues and trying out new things. It has impacted me positively in terms of learning lessons but has NOT helped with this anxiety at all. I'm tired of planning out every meticulous detail and thinking over all the possibilities when somethings things are so simple as it is. I feel like I'm just glorifying busy-ness at this point and literally can't take a "time off" without freaking out. I'm thinking I should just keep it simple this summer and try to stop continuously convincing  myself that lack of thinking=everything will go wrong.