Nonchalance
By Cathy H - 12:42 AM
These days I feel bored of life, bored of my days. Bored of worrying and caring and maintains whatever reputation I think I have. I feel this kind of inherent anxiety and tiredness, mixed with a bit of regret and guilt as if all I've been doing up to now was a delusion.
Have I already gained all I wanted too early? The me one year ago didn't have anything I have as I'm writing this today, I couldn't even have dreamt I would possess it to this day. Have I already reached the "peak"? What I cared about so much I couldn't even bring myself down that path again, I merely recognize it and leave it aside.
Maybe I'm tired of people. The way they enter your life and make all these memories that later curse you with immense nostalgia as all you remember is merely a shadow, an invisible figure that remain in your memory after they leave. I feel as if everything is ultimately numbered, good things realistically only come so far before dwindling. I've so far constructed the very aesthetic life I had imagined all these years and wished so hard for.
I am like a hollow Easter bunny chocolate that look so heavy and plentiful on the outside, only to break it open to find merely a thin shell sustaining nothing of intrinsic value as the outside promised. That is the reason WHY I'm so afraid of people leaving, afraid they would see through and find that hollow inside I've so desperately want to hide.
But, what for? Why should it matter? I'm merely 1 person out of 7 billion, my hedonistic pleasures are not important to anyone. It's funny how people place things at such significance when everybody literally blinds themselves to how really insignificant they are. On the world map, they are less than a grain of sand- merely an accidental pencil mark, but within each grain of sand exist this complex world of experiences and secrets.
All along I've merely degraded my self worth and settled for "second best"- of which even then I wasn't sure I can't keep by my side. I merely felt undeserving, awed even that anyone could see SOMETHING in ME. I want to be an independent being free of dependency and reliance on form, which, I want to be the one sustaining myself from within when all else falls away. I want to be my OWN foundation. I am and can be all along, but I've just grown weak by outer influences like most in this world...
So what does it matter if I am, in the end all I end up having? Who is going to stand by my side and judge me on how many "friends and lovers" I've managed to hoard into my life? Nobody. Nobody but my egotistic self that has managed to deceive me into believing I need to live up to /that/ standard. Truth is, all I possess and feel is insignificant- earth continues on with or without my burden of guilt and worries. There is no invisible camera marking my every actions on a "approved" scale. I decide that for myself.
So what am I trying to say? I'm done with people, honestly. I've used a few like toys, betrayed them, deceived and got to this point today. They've vice versa done the same to me. I will not put such gravity on whether I get approved by others or whether my actions are praiseworthy. I'm tired of "proving" because I know exactly what I really am. If people see that side and are unwilling to stay, why beg? Why construct my happiness and world on a false illusion: something I "have" at the moment but know it will ultimately not be "mine" in the long run.
I'm just going back to me, the simple me that always went about it alone and could find intrinsic well being through myself. The sometimes irrational and addictive one that eventually will stand out in the end, with or without external aid. Just me.
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