Lately I been thinking about the ebb and flow of everything, and came to the conclusion that whatever works for me. I'm ok with never finding the person of my dreams, that maybe at the end of it all there is nobody. There is nobody I can look in the eyes and feel that forever. Or maybe it could be completely different. Again, this is out of my control. In fact everything was out of control to begin with. In fact, free will was probably an illusion after all. I'm ok with never getting my foot in the door for a perfect opportunity to come out of the sky. I may never look at a given situation and think I'm 100% satisfied with it. Hell, I'm fine with never being 100% on any day of my life. I'm fine with any misfortunes coming my way, I'm fine with anyone who leaves because I know someone else is coming along. I truly believe that's the way life was and every unsatisfaction comes from our perceived expectation of reality never matching with reality as it is.
And honestly, is there any a timeline or deadline to do anything? To go date someone or travel anywhere by? To get everything settled by? I feel that I've lived like the timetables on a course schedule, rushing from place to place. Trying to "get there" in time and playing this catch up game with everyone else. When I was younger, the idea of not catching up was simply terrifying. When I'm I going to get that official "first date?" When am I going to graduate university? When will I get to travel to my dream destination? And I truly realize the futility of those anxious years because somehow, everything worked out as planned anyway. My biggest fear now is not that life won't work out, it is that life will eventually work out anyways but I'm still living in panic mode. Slowly, I'm growing accustomed to the reality of never having the exact people, events, and things the way I want. And that it is truly fine. It's the thoughts all along that were not. I'm fine with being mediocre instead trying to self actualize everyday like life is a long task list.
It's really a whatever to me now. Everything will find a way. And my biggest regret so far and looking back at all those years I sat down in panic, panicking and fretting over something that would eventually materialize anyways. Sitting down in fear imagining a cloud of nothingness ahead. Not accepting there was nothing I could do about it anyways. And what I've learned so far from this year is, everything gets old fast and if I was to depend on outside circumstances for fulfillment, I would revert back to panic mode again. I guess, sitting down with "not knowing" is really what should be done. And with a little Eckhart Tolle twist, everything fades eventually either way. So what am I resisting against?
