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Almost end of September, many things changed and experienced. All I can say is, damn. What a memorable month.
You know how a week back one of my goals was meeting "philosophical people" and talking to them? I feel like my wish came true this weekend. I think its insane how I pulled myself up from a all time low to an all time state of understanding. I think it's at the point you suffer most that the most comes out of it.
. Hence our conversation, talked everything about serial killers to the corrupt world and how most humans are like robots that "think" they achieve success and are programmed at every point in life to conform to....everything, and for what? Like my friend said "the moment people retire they can finally walk with their free time and explore, but are too weak to do so and are already near deathbed and riddled with disease. So you spend your life..just struggling to exist and live like everyone else. Work all those jobs and take your boss's shit and materialistic dreams, a freaking programmed life. When you reach 25 get married and have kids, when you reach 40 be successful in your career to mortgage a house which becomes your life sentence as you spend entire life working to pay it off and finally get to enjoy it at age 70 when your ready to die." We're worse than robots, and the pathetic thing is people don't realize by the time they hit their death beds they actually possessed nothing..
Big CEOs missing time and vacation with family to manage business..for what? Just so it can get taken over by others and continue giving your spoon-fed son enough to last his lifetime without working? To buy him a Lamborghini LP700 so he can drive or around town pretending to be important? What are you giving to society? Not only are you not giving, you are harming your kids by showering them with money and suffering yourself from work stress. This cycle is inescapable. My goal of finishing lawschool and being lawyer? So I can get $100k salary by lying to others to defend my client and spent my life reading stacks of court cases because there's always more chance to make money by getting more cases or setting my law firm? So what if I get that Mercedes and mansion, I'm still a slave to society. I'm still living in fear of loss and the cycle of patterned programming by believing if I stopped working I would lose everything and die. What truly satisfies? Definitely not a 9-5 job in misery and life sentence to keep maintaining an identity just to compare and measure up to how other's "successful" careers are. Everything becomes self perpetuating.
We attach identities- these days hardly anyone has an intellectual mind. Sure they know fucking medicine books and computer science and chemistry formulas to give them the identity of having a shitty piece of bachelor or PHd or "med school certified" to give them that egotistic boost, they are someone with success. But so programmed. Spend the rest of life operating on people's organs and peering into teeth, lying to people with your marketing degree. You have this function and I have that function, everyone only specializes in one thing and we need to use each other to help ourselves. Than once "rich people" think they made it, the identity is attached on material possessions and it is all they talk about. Everyone think they're free but in reality given life sentence consisting of work contracts and materialistic aims. "I have a better car..I have that Oceanside manor...I'm a boss at my department.." Isn't it all a social construct? We're playing by rules and they change at any time. You can lose everything at once without warning.
We think someone's a loser for not conforming and finding relationships and getting married, but that's just role playing. Lets get in a cute relationship, get married and pretend to the world how happy we are with our family honeymoon pictures while we're suffering on the inside from the unhappiness of maintaining that perfect image. Look where that got me, thinking i can make others jealous by having a sport car driven by my boy and eating at the fancy restaurants taking pictures of food for facebook. childish.Fuck man, it's like all the puzzles are fitting and in starting to get it. Everything and everybody is so fragile an pretentious. Identities compare with identities and sink deeper into it. Do what we all do and you're good to go, be like this or you're not competent.
Overall, we came to conclusion that humanity is failing so far (no surprise). The way to life is find a job that pays until it can eventually pay off itself and live a life in simplicity with no regard for time concept. It's all the slowed down and thoughtful moments that matter. Just to sit there and not have to think ahead or in past and killing yourself with thoughts, to take it all in and be in peace, be in the now. To arise from that unconscious mind and suffering. They made me realize the importance in being at one with nature, to not be corrupt and programmed by the ever messed up world.
These people proved to me there exists people similar to me realizing these things, and it's funny the more you talk about these things the more peaceful you feel. Once you realize you are nothing, you become everything because if doesn't matter anymore, suffering disappears. I'm so thankful for further enlightenment this weekend with people who are truly educated and experienced.
. Hence our conversation, talked everything about serial killers to the corrupt world and how most humans are like robots that "think" they achieve success and are programmed at every point in life to conform to....everything, and for what? Like my friend said "the moment people retire they can finally walk with their free time and explore, but are too weak to do so and are already near deathbed and riddled with disease. So you spend your life..just struggling to exist and live like everyone else. Work all those jobs and take your boss's shit and materialistic dreams, a freaking programmed life. When you reach 25 get married and have kids, when you reach 40 be successful in your career to mortgage a house which becomes your life sentence as you spend entire life working to pay it off and finally get to enjoy it at age 70 when your ready to die." We're worse than robots, and the pathetic thing is people don't realize by the time they hit their death beds they actually possessed nothing..
Big CEOs missing time and vacation with family to manage business..for what? Just so it can get taken over by others and continue giving your spoon-fed son enough to last his lifetime without working? To buy him a Lamborghini LP700 so he can drive or around town pretending to be important? What are you giving to society? Not only are you not giving, you are harming your kids by showering them with money and suffering yourself from work stress. This cycle is inescapable. My goal of finishing lawschool and being lawyer? So I can get $100k salary by lying to others to defend my client and spent my life reading stacks of court cases because there's always more chance to make money by getting more cases or setting my law firm? So what if I get that Mercedes and mansion, I'm still a slave to society. I'm still living in fear of loss and the cycle of patterned programming by believing if I stopped working I would lose everything and die. What truly satisfies? Definitely not a 9-5 job in misery and life sentence to keep maintaining an identity just to compare and measure up to how other's "successful" careers are. Everything becomes self perpetuating.
We attach identities- these days hardly anyone has an intellectual mind. Sure they know fucking medicine books and computer science and chemistry formulas to give them the identity of having a shitty piece of bachelor or PHd or "med school certified" to give them that egotistic boost, they are someone with success. But so programmed. Spend the rest of life operating on people's organs and peering into teeth, lying to people with your marketing degree. You have this function and I have that function, everyone only specializes in one thing and we need to use each other to help ourselves. Than once "rich people" think they made it, the identity is attached on material possessions and it is all they talk about. Everyone think they're free but in reality given life sentence consisting of work contracts and materialistic aims. "I have a better car..I have that Oceanside manor...I'm a boss at my department.." Isn't it all a social construct? We're playing by rules and they change at any time. You can lose everything at once without warning.
We think someone's a loser for not conforming and finding relationships and getting married, but that's just role playing. Lets get in a cute relationship, get married and pretend to the world how happy we are with our family honeymoon pictures while we're suffering on the inside from the unhappiness of maintaining that perfect image. Look where that got me, thinking i can make others jealous by having a sport car driven by my boy and eating at the fancy restaurants taking pictures of food for facebook. childish.Fuck man, it's like all the puzzles are fitting and in starting to get it. Everything and everybody is so fragile an pretentious. Identities compare with identities and sink deeper into it. Do what we all do and you're good to go, be like this or you're not competent.
Overall, we came to conclusion that humanity is failing so far (no surprise). The way to life is find a job that pays until it can eventually pay off itself and live a life in simplicity with no regard for time concept. It's all the slowed down and thoughtful moments that matter. Just to sit there and not have to think ahead or in past and killing yourself with thoughts, to take it all in and be in peace, be in the now. To arise from that unconscious mind and suffering. They made me realize the importance in being at one with nature, to not be corrupt and programmed by the ever messed up world.
These people proved to me there exists people similar to me realizing these things, and it's funny the more you talk about these things the more peaceful you feel. Once you realize you are nothing, you become everything because if doesn't matter anymore, suffering disappears. I'm so thankful for further enlightenment this weekend with people who are truly educated and experienced.
Yet another sunny and bright day and receiving Lunar's festival gifts from neighbours.
Did some self portait shoots with a shirt I made, the one with the skull on the back! I wish the weather would be nice for the whole rest of the month...
This must be the month I was the most depressing, hopeless etc. for no apparent reason at all. I know I wrote entries similar to this one but I have at least half come to terms with reality. Why must I deserve continual good things to happen to me, why should I expect everyone to treat me amazingly and to have everything to be spoonfed and given to me and for everyone to cater to me? That was my old expectations, sometimes I was just so angry at everyone because nothing met my standards. And even knowing how important it was to stay in the now, I traded that for staying in the past or fretting over the future. As I know, every cycle has a high and low. This must be near the low and even though I dont like it, I am accepting it. I lack things I want and people I want in my life for the same reason why there are billionaires and starving child labors and terminally ill people all over the world. Everything is relative, there will never be a true feeling of wholeness. But you must accept the level you're born into, because acceptance means being at peace with life. And with this, though there may be nothing to look forward to tommorow at least every day is a new day at my level. Acceptance of my level..I am working on it.
I have not truly say I've lived without traveling the world first, I know I've done lots of traveling but I plan to conquer more places. I just need a getaway, maybe just spontaneously land in a foreign country and adapt there for a month or so. I miss that feeling because it always made me feel at one with the world. What's to do now is to focus on the tasks on hand and seek little pleasures here and there as much as I can.. Opportunities will arise.
