Lately, I feel like I'm being misunderstood about my intentions and the way I choose to live. I feel like I'm being accused of "not caring" or being detached when I should be filled with joy,hope and love. It's not that I don't care or I'm some "cold" human being that doesn't get sad when I affect people or see them going through a hard time, yes I do emphasize/sympathize with them. But it's on a deeper level...realizing that detachment makes living much happier and lighter.
I don't make anything so important to the point for I concentrate my entire life energy on it. As Eckhart Tolle says "the words “This, too, will pass” are pointers toward Reality. In pointing to the impermanence of all forms, by implication, they are also pointing to the eternal. Only the eternal in you can recognize the mpermanent as impermanent.” it's just that I've realize the unimportance of my very existence and all the life situations I encounter. I'm well aware of the clinging,end desires, attachments, and worries about the past/future that come with living on a daily basis. The undeniable fact is that nothing in the world lasts forever, therefore to concentrate my energy and devotion towards one thing is like emotional suicide. They say that heartbreak can literally kill a person and I emphasize with that. To make someone your entire world, is like the feeling that suddenly there is meaning to your existence, that someone cares,thinks,loves you and there is potentially a forever with them. This feeling is just like a drug, and the reason why so many couples get hurt, angry (even myself) at each other is that we are always looking for constant assurance from the outer world that we are important, we matter, and we are loved. Because of this, people misunderstand each other and are so scared of being left and abandoned.
Think about it. You made that person your entire identity. You are their "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" or "husband/wife." You guys fulfill a role for each other. Without them, suddenly there is a gap..and the ego wonders "who am I than if they left me?" So that's where the heartbreak starts. That person didn't do it to you, you did it to yourself. You chose to make them a part of you, to use them to cover for your own painful existence, to pretend there is a forever. To convince yourself life cannot go on without them anymore when it was fine before you met them. All this constitutes what we define "love" which I find so ridiculous. It's so exhausting fulfilling the emotional need of another unconscious human being who tries to convince you they are your centre of the world.
The fact is, life itself is unimportant. Inner peace cannot ever leave if you decide you want nothing else but that. Thus, why I also choose to detach. I literally don't care, but not in a bad way. I don't look for a conclusive ending. I don't look for closure. I don't expect, cling, accuse or act desperate because I already know the end result of everything I face and everyone I come across. They all end.
It's so simple but profound. And it makes me enjoy the present moment more because I know all things will end. It's bittersweet, yet transformative because whatever good/bad things happen I know when it ends there is another cycle of good/bad things to come. And that's just the ebb and flow of life. Instead of trying to resist it and claim a forever in transitory things, I've learned that the law of detachment brings me inner peace,love,and happiness that no one can ever take away from me.
"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity – in freedom. The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too, must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits – islands surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continuously visited and abandoned by the tides. One must accept the serenity of the winged life, of ebb and flow, of intermittency."
"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity – in freedom. The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too, must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits – islands surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continuously visited and abandoned by the tides. One must accept the serenity of the winged life, of ebb and flow, of intermittency."
Wore this look for my friends birthday!
Straight eyebrows and red lips, my new favorite makeup ♡♡♡♡
This is my first special fx makeup! I did it on a whim because I planned 2 looks for halloween: broken doll and zombie makeup. I adapted this from Michelle Phan's tutorial but I made it more gory. This was done with liquid latex, tissue paper, black and red acrylic paint, BB cream and matte dark plum/black eyeshadow. Im happy with how it turned out, and I love how makeup can make me transform to anything I want. So versatile! I want to keep doing special fx makeup as it has so much possibilities and more advanced than your typical sugar skull look. Here is a step by step and the final result! 
Finally, a good "blockbuster" movie that suits my taste. This movie is not for the faint of heart, it has many dark components and the cinematography was very well done. After the 2.5H of watching this, me and my friends found ourselves talking about this movie for the rest of the way home. The storyline centers around the troubled marriage of Amy and Nick Dunn living an upper class and seemingly perfect life. One day, Amy disappears and Nick is accused of murdering his wife but it turns out she framed her husband for murder due to failed marriage and all the emotional distress he caused her.
This movie is set up in the first half and convince viewers that the husband is a psychopath, set out to kill his wife and divorce her for her finances. However, the second half reveals a much darker side to "Amy" whom goes under disguise after successfully setting up a "staged murder" crime scene. This includes everything from drawing her own blood to splatter on the kitchen floor, writing a 300 page diary and befriending the right people that would come to her defense. Everything is impeccable and ingenious. After she gets robbed of the money she carried for her "hideout" she turns to her ex lover of whom she later murders to go back to her husband.
This movie raised the question: are psychopaths made or do they exist inherently? Was Amy capable of going through all this if her marriage went well? It also reminded me of the truth that: we really don't know who anyone really is. People are like scripts, only revealing what they want to but everyone has underlying ulterior motives. It also reminded me of the saying that "true love was never there if it goes from love to hateful attack in a second." I think marriage is just a socially constructed concept, a term of expectation of which two people rely on each other because they are bounded by some kind of institutional paper. With all these high expectations attached to your "husband" or "wife", it is sure to end badly if they fail you in the end. It's strange seeing how happily married they were for 2 years and how Amy finds discrete, subconscious ways to make Nick hers for life.
Also, found this movie to be extremely sexist. It portrays woman as vulnerable, in which they are swept off their feet into marriage, overcompensate by giving their finances and trust to the men, get ignored by the men and than go insane. The movie reiterates the fact that women always blame themselves when the man betrays them. Amy didn't think she was the "cool" girl until she escaped after framing the murder and that's the reason she attributed to Nick's affair with a 20 year old student. The women diminishes her self-worth and begs for anything to save the marriage like having a kid. On the other hand, the man blames the women. If he takes her out to a nice dinner and spoils her only to face rejection, the women is the "bitch". I think this movie reminded of the fact that there are some things in this world only you can give yourself, if you can't get it from someone else it doesn't mean you have to "punish" them. People are insecure in nature and often go into relationships/marriages without getting to know the person or even themselves. Overall, I feel this was a brilliantly shot movie with many cultural meanings and implications behind it. Finally, a movie to make me think. I'd rate it 9/10 only because I had to sit almost 3 hours in the theatre.
