Touch and Go

11:00 PM


I've been thinking about the fleeting nature of my own time here. Through all the daily routines, uncertainties, struggling, and hoping- no one remembers that life has already passed by 10 years.  All the accumulated mountains of photos serving as a memoir of life in the past, all the while we don't really look at them nor the present. Instead, we always strive towards the future. What's the next big thing? What can I do to get with this person? What's in the for me? But we don't stop to realize that maybe, we are here, we are home, this is it. There's no other feeling or moment to strive for, because its now. The time was always now but somehow our brains have become masters at manipulating ourselves into believing that this is not enough, we are not enough, life isn't enough in the now.

We must panic through life, we must catch up to everyone else in this never-ending rat race, we must keep pushing, we tell ourselves. We'll stop one day when we got it "made", except that feeling will never come. That's an fact I've come to understand. But I chose to pause and think back on all the places I've travelled, the memories made, the connections which rooted. Planning in futile, surrendering in everything. All my life, I never felt like there was a stop or something was enough. But looking back, I've had more than enough and experienced more than enough. More than I could dream of as a child. It's been a pretty long ride, and at this point, I am satisfied. It's the chaotic nature of life that makes it all the more beautiful, the small moments that can be never repeated again which make us hyperviligant of the present. 

Because as I've come to acknowledge, time here isn't forever. But we love to pretend it is. The realization that one day consciousness will seize, all the strings of thoughts I wake up to everyday will become point blank, everything will end. Thats an 100% certainty, and that fact makes me more willing to do as much as I can while surrending to the nature of life. Everything becomes touch and go. That gives me the motivation to pursue those "I'm alive" moments, of realizing I am making the mostof this time here. That's really the biggest paradox of life. 

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