Maximizer and Ungratefulness

By Cathy H - 8:41 AM

I've been taking a course on positive psychology and did an activity that measured the relationship between making decisions and unhappiness. I ended up scoring maximum on the "maximizer" scale which means that I'm always regretting decisions, wishing I chose something else- basically not satisfied and always believing I could've ended up better somewhere else if I had chosen something else. I feel like this makes me feel ungrateful for many things. Like if I looked at things in retrospect, there is not a CONCRETE thing I should be grateful about. Because being grateful to me is only a commodity that comes with having everything in the right place. Being a maximizer, that seems pretty impossible in my life. Often times, I don't feel like I deserve to feel grateful not because my self-confidence is low - but because I always feel like there's something else better out there for me. 

This past week, I've been trip planning for my vacation next month and I've been so anxious and stressed I hadn't been able to focus on something else. I'm so scared of choosing the wrong destination, than regretting it forever. Even if the destination doesn't work out despite my best efforts, I still feel like it couldn't been different and than get upset at it. I feel like with many things in life that should be enjoyable, I take it so seriously and get so fickle-minded that it makes me too anxious. Last night I was kinda just upset because my first plan didn't work so I had to search up a new country ALL over again. I was thinking "god I hate this, I just wanna get it over with. Why is everything so hard??" and than I caught myself in thought and noticed how silly I'm being. I'm getting stressed worrying about where I'm going for vacation, while so many people worry about whether there's enough food for the day. I always put my life under such a big magnifying glass and linger over everything I could've/should've/have to do that I fail to put things into perspective. 

I always get this "doom" feeling when things don't work out in the slightest, like everything's gonna go downhill and I have no control over it. I think that's why I don't consume alcohol or do illegal substances because they make me paranoid and anxious, like I have no control over my choices. It feels good to be in control of choices, but also makes me upset. I think this stems from me distrusting life in general. Like the world isn't on my side so I have to struggle against it. I feel like I have this greed with my life that I have to experience everything, be on top of everything. But that doesn't happen in anyone's life! Basically what I'm trying to tell myself with this is "Cathy, just relax and go with the flow. The world won't crash down around you!" I'm still learning to accept this after dealing with this borderline anxiety for my whole life. 

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